He was someone who she looked up to, someone who she wanted acknowledgment from. Someone who she respects and someone she learns from. Common words of encouragement, phrases such as "good job" or "you did well" clichéd as they were would not have much of the intended effect on most people; but from him, it meant a lot to her. To her, these simple phrases goes beyond the words and their literal meaning. To her, it meant that the immature, unorganized, lazy and sometimes obnoxious girl that she is did something right.
She decided to retire to her room, the place she feels most secure to sort out her emotions and to get some much needed sleep. It was 2AM. Her tears were not yet dry. She tried to be inconspicuous as she navigated the hallway in the dark, careful not to disturb the rest who were fast asleep. She was familiar enough with the place to avoid stumbling; she remembers when to turn and what to watch out for. Visuospatial memory was easy for her. After all, she's had years of experience practicing it. She loved drawing. She loved examining objects and subjects in detail, visualizing them, memorizing them and reproducing them on paper. Dealing with emotions was not. In the midst of all this, a faint thought crossed her mind. Was she ever going to be ready for relationships? But save that for another time.
She crumbled into bed, pulled the duvet over herself and succumbed to her emotions. She curled into a ball and let her sobs shake her small frame. She feared the others would hear her but at the same time, she wanted someone to ask her if she's okay. She wanted someone to baby her and tell her it's all okay. She wanted someone to pity her. She felt ridiculous for thinking that way. She felt so human. She was human. Nevertheless, she still did not know why the two sentences written by him made her feel that way. She isn't the type to cry over something like this.
It was stupid. Immature. Foolish.
So she began to analyze herself and slowly came to a conclusion. It was probably the unsorted insecurity with the newly added stress and expectations from others which had built up into a mental dam. And then the right person with the right tools came along and shattered the fragile structure. Then the self-pity came and she sobbed even harder.
Stupid. Immature. Foolish.
She also realized that judging from the way he worded his sentence. He was upset at her attitude. He thought she was being purposely disrespectful to him. He thought she did not are less about the presentation for Youth Sunday. That was the last thing she would do to someone who she holds in such high regard. And she cares a lot about the presentation. But she just did not know what to do, so she sat back and let him do all the organizing. A poor judgment. It was irresponsible, she knew. He agrees. Yet she hated being misunderstood. hated it. So she typed back an apology and a quick explanation, hoping it would be quell his anger.
With that, she finally fell into a fitful sleep, exhausted. Her tears dried and her last thought and prayer to God was to help her through the challenges ahead knowing that by overcoming them, she would grow to be a better, stronger and more mature person.
*********
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
This is my command: Love each other.
This is my command: Love each other.
~John 15:1-17~
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